I received news about the death of a young mother. At only 35, death came too soon in the form of cancer. Wretched, evil disease. In my own life, I have born witness to more than what I think to be my fair share of young mothers leaving before their time on earth should be over. They had plans. Tons and tons of plans. Homework to help with, dinners to cook, and birthday parties to plan. The had futures to dream of and graduations, marriages, and grandchildren to look forward to.  Maybe they had fought their ailment for a couple of years, but then the final diagnosis comes: “I am sorry” the doctor says. “We have done all we can. You might want to see to it that your affairs are in order.” Stunned silence that you can only cut with a knife fills the room, and only then after a pause that seems to drag on forever, the doctor leans in, touches your hand, and says, “I am so sorry.” Eye contact is brief, and they leave the room. You can’t blame them. What else can they do? Healers are taught to get close, but not too close. They are trained to portray empathy with a touch of reality and to give hope, but not unrealistic optimism. It is a delicate high wire walk to be sure.

When a mother with young children dies, it just seems so wrong. As survivors, we want to scream out “WHY?” A thousand times why, why, why!? Who will care for and nurture the children? The children who had a mother only yesterday?

First and foremost, it is essential to understand that your children may fear your early demise. It is necessary to hold them tight and answer their questions. Re-assure that they will not die today, and you will not die today. Someday when we are very, very old, we will die. Don’t deny that death exists. Don’t lie to a child. They are too smart in this arena and too trusting of our answers so that they will feel emotionally safe. Don’t lie and don’t hide the fact that someone close has died. Heaven is very real to children.

When Ariana and Alexandra were young, in the 1st and 2nd grades, a very dear family friend died in a tragic accident in Los Angeles involving heavy rain. It was three long months before his body was found. But once it was recovered, I took on the task for his wife to arrange for burial. My children were with me at the Mortuary and were very curious about caskets. The lovely lady working there was so respectful of these two young girls and their many questions. She showed them caskets and urns. She told them how secret compartments hold the name and identity of the person in case the grave can’t be identified, and she showed them how the casket gets locked solid. The girls were amazed. And so was I! I was surprised at the compassion this lady showed two young children, who a few years before, buried a baby sister. Still, in diapers, they were too young to ask questions, but as they grew, I imagined they wondered about their sister who was buried at the very same cemetery. This employee was gentle and kind, and they walked away satisfied that their best friends’ dad would be well cared for and laid to rest with the utmost dignity and care.

There was a time in our life as a family that death seemed to knock at our door frequently. The Angel of Death had no favorites. He came for the very old and the very young. He came for mothers of friends, fathers of friends, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and even our sweet baby girl, six months after dear friends lost their baby girl. Some were taken suddenly, and some were taken from old age. There were others still who were taken by cancer. We did not shield our daughters from funerals. They came with us to celebrate the life of those that were lost. It seemed that black clothing in all of our wardrobes stayed at the forefront of the closet. We attended funerals of every possible denomination: Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Christian Science, Quaker, and non-denominational. Even though the ceremonies were different, the purpose was the same. It was the celebration of life and remembrance of the very best of the person who has gone on. Even the tiniest soul is worth remembering because it is the smallest most innocent life that brings you a perfect joy. No matter how brief, life is worth remembering and celebrating. Don’t avoid attending a funeral because you are uncomfortable. Think of how the immediate survivors feel. No one wants to be at a funeral! Funerals are for those living, and they will always remember you were there.

So, today the news has come that a young mother has died. What do we say? How do we act? Try the following, tried and true.

– It is perfectly acceptable to say “I am so very sorry for your loss.” It does mean something. If you can’t think of anything else, say that.

– Please don’t say that “She is at peace now, her suffering is over.” That might be ok for someone very old, but when they are young, it gives little solace.

– Absolutely, never say “She is in a better place”. That one is just painful. Maybe later down the road, but not today.

– Say, “I will be here for you”. And mean it. Not today, but two weeks down the road when the funeral is over, and the flowers have died, and the food is gone… I will be here for you will mean something.

– If children are left behind, consider making them a “healing basket”, a basket filled with games and books and lots of cards from classmates, and friends. Gift certificates to area restaurants and movie theaters are lovely and useful. When the family can’t cope, a gift certificate is very healing.

– Allow the child who is left behind the space to grieve. Don’t tell them not to cry, and not to be sad. Sad is o.k. Keep an eye out and give them a safe haven. Sometimes they don’t want to show sadness to their grandma or dad who would be equally sad about the loss of his or her daughter or wife. Sometimes kids take on the burden to ease others. The best lesson I learned about grief is that it comes and goes. Respect grief.

– Be an angel of a good deed. Months down the line, when no one is looking and you will receive nothing in return, do something special to remember the person who has passed on. The first year is the very worst. It is a roller coaster of emotions, but remember the surviving family during the second year as well so they know that you have not forgotten. A note telling the family all that the person meant to you is so welcome,  and it lasts forever!

If it seems that a father has moved on too soon, don’t be quick to judge. The pain can be so deep and so profound, that a man has to move forward in order not to fall off the cliff. Be assured that every single time he looks into the eyes of his grieving child, he sees their mother. Always come from a place of loving support for the family, and help them gain the strength to go on living. You know their mother would want that for them!