Claudia works full time outside the home as a nurse three days a week. Her husband Frank is a firefighter with a working schedule of three days on and four days off. Claudia loves her husband but loves her children more. They are her everything. Everything she is missing in her life. Claudia comes from a first generation immigrant family. Her parents were loving, but Claudia never felt completely secure in who she was. Where the popular girls in high school were blonde and beautiful, Claudia felt her exotic dark hair was ugly. She felt different. Her parents were traditionalists. She was expected to grow up and become a homemaker and mother. Claudia wanted more. When she met Frank, their life became like a fairytale. The firefighter and the nurse; together they would save the world. Frank and Claudia were from entirely different cultural backgrounds but shared their Christian faith. Both had left the Catholic Church as young adults, and after marriage, they grew less together, and more independent in their lives. Although they vacationed with other families, they also socialized separately with just the “boys,” or just the “girls.” They saw to it that the social calendar was always jam-packed. Unscheduled time was very awkward for this family. To the outside world, it looked like the “All American” life.

Claudia was never quite satisfied. She needed to be liked and admired. When Isabella was born, people marveled at her beauty. Claudia adored Isabella and thought her nurturing ways were the proper way to parent. Isabella was Claudia’s ticket to happiness and the popularity she never experienced in school. Claudia joined the parent groups at school, but would not take on any serious volunteer work. She only volunteered to benefit Isabella. A handsome son Tyler arrived three years after Isabella was born. Tyler though was not Claudia’s focus, as life in this home was all about Isabella. Isabella had no demands placed on her and rarely had any rules or restrictions. Her mother treated her like a princess, and any extra money the family had paid for Isabella’s dance classes and extensive up to the minute wardrobe. At school, Claudia marveled at and often bragged about her daughters’ extreme popularity. Isabella’s perceived popularity was in the eyes of Claudia alone. In reality, Isabella was a passive-aggressive bully. Always behind the scenes in subtle ways. Never flat out.

As an indulgent permissive parent, Claudia did not want Isabella ever to feel sadness. Claudia never encouraged Isabella to follow the rules or to obey school and teacher standards. Isabella was free to express her displeasure directly to teachers, coaches, and administration. She was allowed to talk back, and if she were reprimanded, the teacher received the wrath of her mother. She was shielded from consequences. In reality, although Claudia thought her daughter to be perfection, Isabella was rebellious, mean-spirited, and lacked responsibility. Frank was not permitted to intervene when it came to discipline. He, after all, had Tyler. Ironically, because Frank parented Tyler more, he did not have the same issues as his sister Isabella.

When Isabella received detentions for bad behavior, her mother would fight the teacher. If Isabella’s grades slipped, it was again the fault of the teacher. When Isabella engaged in the promiscuous behavior, it was the fault of the friends she was with. Claudia thought they must have horrible parents! She often wished that if only they had the close relationship she and Isabella had, there would never be conflict or issues. Claudia did whatever she could to strip the reputations of adults in authority, to protect her beloved Isabella. When Isabella was not chosen for a team, Claudia wanted the coach fired. If Isabella was not happy, there would be hell to pay! Isabella would often scream mean and hateful things to her mother. She would tell her how much she hated her. To compensate, Claudia would buy her special gifts and try harder to win her daughters’, undying love. When Isabella’s outbursts became out of control, Claudia blamed outside forces. They fought fiercely but always made up quickly.

The story does not end happily. Claudia and Frank never built a family culture together. They lived their own lives. He parented Tyler; she Isabella. Eventually, they divorced. It was, of course, all Frank’s fault. Claudia saw herself as the ideal mother and wife, and she would never recognize her blatant neglect and responsibilities in her marriage.

Isabella lived with Claudia and Tyler with Frank. Claudia continued to nurse but had to take on more hours, and Isabella was home on her own after school. Isabella answered to no one, and her life was socially full. Her mother had no rules and no consequences. Claudia continued to do everything for Isabella. She even once completed a school assignment of Isabella’s after a long shift, so that Isabella could go out with friends. Tyler, on the other hand, lived a structured life and was with his grandparents after school. He excelled in school and went on to college. Isabella dropped out of school to raise the daughter she gave birth to at sixteen. Her dance classes paid off. She makes her living as an exotic dancer at a local club.

Are you an indulgent- permissive parent?