Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back into the same box.

-Italian Proverb

A Doctor, A Principal, and A Clergyman

Did I tell you the one about the doctor, the principal, and the priest? This is not the preface to a joke. It is real life, and the people who are well-educated grown adults fear the most. As young children, we were taught that you do not challenge these types of professions. What they say goes. Trust first; while you’re at it, it’s best not to ask any questions.

Years ago, when my two oldest were very young, my beloved great aunt and Godmother came to live out her dying days with us. Actually, upon her arrival in California, the intention was for her to live in a lovely retirement villa. She quickly became very ill, and we were told that she did not have much time to live. We lived in a rather small townhouse at the time and set up her hospital bed in our dining room. Every morning, I would tread carefully downstairs to see if she had survived the night. And she did. Some days were worse than others, and when it seemed as if her time on earth was nearing its end, I called our neighborhood priest to administer her last rites.

My great-aunt was a devout Catholic, and this last blessing was what she wanted. But alas, this priest was not a nice fellow. In fact, he was downright rude. He refused to give last rights, saying it was an antiquated practice that the church no longer performed these rites. I was sure he was wrong, as I had last rites for my infant daughter only a year or two before. I had known people who had received the last rites.

He became angry and even ruder when I countered with what I knew. He told me that with a parish population of three thousand, he simply did not have the time for such things. As he became less and less holy, I became angry and, at one point in the conversation, told him he was not a real man of God and slammed the phone down on him!

My husband, who, by the way, is not just Catholic but Italian Catholic, was horrified. “You can’t hang up on a Priest,” he said in shock. “Well, I just did”, I replied. I tried to explain my reasoning, but he did not want to hear me. A doctor’s son, he could not believe that I would cross such a boundary of authority.

But the fact is the priest was wrong, and he was using his position to undermine my humble request for last rites. He was mean-spirited! A few weeks later, I received in the mail a one-line handwritten note from the priest: “Please forgive me. I was wrong.”

Of course, I forgave him… He is a man of the cloth, after all!

But it was at that point in my thirty years of life that I took a turn and was never going to let someone in an authoritative position get in the way of right and wrong. I would not walk away intimidated with my tail between my legs! The moment was so very “Scarlet O’Hara” of me. It was truly a fist-waving “aha” moment in my life. More than 18 years have passed, but I still remember that day!

I have always been blessed with an extraordinary set of friends—super Achievers. I have been best friends with Doctors, Ph. D.s, Teachers, Principals, and yes, even Priests. Company with amazing, engaging people. I am in awe of their education and dedication.

That said, having friends like these has taught me that if I close my eyes, these are the same people I played in the sandbox with in kindergarten. They are the same awkward teenagers I danced with in High School. They are the same individuals who sat with me in British Lit and even those I “TPd” houses with as a kid. Essentially, it is no different than you or me. High achievers count on the “real” people in their lives, the ones who will knock them off of their pedestals when necessary.

What is it that shuts you down when you get a call from the principal office? Well…for goodness sake! He is the Principal! As a kid, you only got called there if you were naughty! Some of us can even remember seeing the paddle behind their desks! It was the scariest place on the planet! My dad was a principal, so I get the one-two punch when I think of the principal’s office!

One time in high school, I was called to the Principal’s office, and I wanted to die. As it turned out, they thought I forged a note from my mother because the writing was so bad. I was shaking and nearly in tears when I told the guy, “No, I did not sign that. It is my mother’s writing! I write much better than that!” He laughed at my nervousness and sent me on my way. The thought still gives me the heebeegeebees!

Only the worst possible kid got called to the Principal’s office! As a former PTA President, I was always fortunate to have great Principals to work with. But once, after my tenure at a different school, the principal was such a bully and so mean-spirited that I had to go to the next level to defend not just my child but all of the children. You could not reason with this person, and the buck stopped at their desk. Period.

Parents were afraid of retribution if they said anything. They feared what the neighbors would say if they caused a ruckus at school. Afraid, afraid, afraid. I feel the fear you should feel is what will transpire down the road because you said nothing. Is it morally correct to stand by when you witness the bullying of a child by an adult firsthand? Not in a democratic society! It is why we enjoy our freedom!

How about the doctor’s office? The most humiliating place on earth. They see you naked. They know how much you weigh. They know every bad habit you have, even those you don’t admit! An intimidating place, to be sure! Why on God’s green earth would you ever challenge their knowledge? This one, for me, is an easy answer. Why not challenge? It is my life, or my kids’ life, or my husband’s life on the line. I was not there in medical school with the guy. I don’t know his grades, whether he studied every day or partied and procrastinated.

I don’t know if he has money in the bank or is just scraping by to keep his practice afloat. Does he get a kickback for the test he just ordered? I don’t know if he slept last night. I’m not sure if he and his wife are getting along. I don’t know, and I will not take any chances. So, I ask questions about the proposed treatment. And then I ask some more questions. Then I research. Then I ask again.

This is one of those moments when your gut instinct really should kick in. A doctor is human, and he makes mistakes. Trust too much, and you are as guilty as he is when the error is made. I was in that position once. I was stupid when I looked back. This doctor was a good family friend, so I gave him blind trust when he operated on my shoulder. Because of blind faith, I suffered greatly and required a second surgery to repair and clean up his mess.

Five grueling years of chronic, unyielding pain. It was his wife who let it slip shortly after the surgery, when we were at lunch together, that he cared so much that he was up nearly the entire night before studying the type of surgery he was going to perform on me. Cared? I don’t think so. He was too arrogant and not “doctor” enough to refer me to a more qualified specialist.

I just assumed that he knew what he was doing. His state record was clean…What could be the problem? We socialized on many occasions. I even designed his medical offices! I checked into the hospital and questioned nothing! Many years have passed, but it was that experience that allowed me the courage never to trust a physician (friend or not) blindly again. I even had a little saying going with one friend. “Take off your friend shoes and put on your doctor’s shoes.” It always reminded us to switch gears. I do the same with my Principal and Teacher friends. This way, there is no miscommunication.

The common thread between these professionals is that when asked, they suffer the same trepidation. The Principal does not like to be called by another Principal regarding his or her kid. The Doctor is the worst patient on the planet. He is often a closet smoker, tends to have abysmal eating habits, and the last place he wants to be is in the examining room as a patient! A priest certainly does not want to feel inadequate in the presence of a bishop or cardinal, for example!

I want to encourage and empower you to step up to the plate regarding sticky situations, especially when your child is involved. Too often, we fear that the person in authority won’t like us. If you are respectful and non-confrontational, they will almost always welcome your input. If they don’t welcome input, and you follow the rules of good etiquette, then indeed, it is time to move along.

I have known men who run large corporations. They rule with an iron fist. However, when it came to a vulnerable and possibly weak situation, they caved. They left unsaid what they wanted to say. They did not challenge what they felt should be questioned. And later, they kicked themselves. They could run a company, but they failed on the family front. They chickened out for fear of losing face with the authority figure.

The doctors’ office scenario takes an article all by itself, but in other areas, try e-mail. E-mail your query or question and allow for an appropriate amount of response time. Don’t expect an instant response. Give the receiver a day or two to ponder the situation. Even clergy can now be reached by e-mail. If you are angry, write your e-mail and save it for a day. After you have cooled, go back and edit. Do not send vile e-mails. The repercussions are never good. It can make a fixable situation worse. You will end up with misunderstandings all over the place.

So wait, one day, and sometimes two. Remember the rules of journalistic writing. Who, What, Where, When, and How. Do not assume right off that they will know what you are speaking of. Re-iterate the story and your concerns. I have always been able to get clarification. Consider where you or your child may be responsible, and accept that responsibility. Sometimes, it takes a back-and-forth of communication, but it has always reached a resolution. Respect the title of the person and expect the same in return. Proper old-fashioned social etiquette wins every time!

Now, if you are too scared to even get to the email, I always advise closing your eyes and going back to the kindergarten sandbox. All of the world’s greatest leaders came into the world just like you and me—naked and needing their mother. They all had childhoods, and although they may have a more significant title, they are no different!

Pants on one leg at a time. They eat with a knife and fork and sleep in a bed. They pay bills and worry about their kids and the future. Sometimes, they go to work and forget they are “normal”, and it is beneficial to them when someone snaps them back into reality!

Parents are warriors! Find the warrior in you!